07 April 2012


I try really hard to avoid bigotry, chauvinism, racism and other forms of in-built prejudice in both myself and those around me. I am a paragon of US company 'appropriateness' in the workplace and no 'Office' style gaff will stain my Stasi HR file.

That said I'm afraid I am ultra-intolerant of 'cuteness', especially in grown people that should jolly well know better. My cuteism knows no bounds - I would gladly sack any staff that wandered into work and Winnie the Pooh was on or around their person. Ditto if they decorated their cubicle with dolls (and they are dolls, not 'action figures' or any other excuse - it may be a collectors edition Iron Man but in my mind Barbie would do just as well; and there's no place for it if you are over puberty). Were I to walk into your home for dinner and spy a snoopy plush toy that wasn't in a 4 year old's room, I may well pick up my bottle of wine and piss of out of it because alcohol is for adults and you cannot be one.

In fact, let's say I am the new Chief Executive, my manifesto would have the following items in it.

1. Any decorated mobile phones will result in a $50k fine and a ban from having phones ever again.
2. Hello Kitty will now be banned and should images of said cat be found on your person or property this will result in public lashings.
3. Businesses that are grown up - like petrol and credit cards - are now barred from using stupid robots or cats as promotional items. Nationalisation of said business if Trans-cocking-formers appear any at more gas stations and a lifetime of their managers wearing cosplay outfits 24 hours a day.
4. Soft toys on the back shelf of cars where there is no infant present will result in said car being crushed.
5. Anything hanging off any bag/phone/piece of clothing that was put there for the express intent of being 'cute' is 24 hours in the newly reopened Lockhart Road Stocks during the 7's.
6. Sending internet videos of cats or puppies, unless you are a vet, will result in you never again being allowed to touch anything electrical.
7. All toy dogs will be set free in a new kennel-pasture previously called 'Disneyland' and their owners neutered.
8. While I'm at it though slightly off topic - if you have a blue tooth ear piece in for more than 3 minutes a day when not actively on the phone you will be dyed blue so us normal people can avoid you at a distance. And 5 years hard labour.

I only tell you this background so you can understand how much restraint I showed just by ONLY taking this picture and not, say, vomiting myself inside-out there and then. My tolerance, balance and lack of rancour surprises even me sometimes.


  1. I subscribe to this so zealously. I have a theory I've expounded on my blog before actually - with all this Tiger Mother bullshit, these people don't have a childhood so as soon as they get some freedom, they quickly grab onto any stuffed Hello Kitty iteration they can find. And the companies are canny to this Peter Pannery.

    My dad is a teacher in Tai Po. Here is his desk-mate's desk. Now that's going to inspire you for a day's work, what...


    1. This person is beyond help. Banishment to the place where they make the olympic mascots is the only recourse.

  2. Hahaha! Whaddya make of this? -->


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